From my random collection of articles...

FINDING AND KEEPING A LIFE PARTNER
Golden Rules For Finding Your Life Partner
by Dov Heller, M.A 

When it comes to making the decision about choosing a life partner, no one wants to make a mistake. Yet, with a divorce rate of close to 50%, it appears that many are making serious mistakes in their approach to finding Mr./Miss. Right!

If you ask most couples who are engaged why they're getting married, they'll say: 'We're in love.' I believe this is the #1 mistake people make when they date. Choosing a life partner should never be based on love. Though this may sound 'not politically correct', there's a profound truth here.

Love is not the basis for getting married. Rather, love is the result of a good marriage. When the other ingredients are right, then the love will come. Let me say it again: 'You can't build a lifetime relationship on love alone'. You need a lot more!!!

Here are five questions you must ask yourself if you're serious about finding and keeping a life partner.
QUESTION 1: Do we share a common life purpose? Why is this so important? Let me put it this way: If you're married for 20 or 30 years, that's a longtime to live with someone.What do you plan to do with each other all that time? Travel, eat and jog together? You need to share something deeper and more meaningful. You need a common life purpose.

Two things can happen in a marriage: (1) You can grow together, or (2) You can grow apart. Fifty percent (50%) of the people out there are growing apart. To make a marriage work, you need to know what you want out of life!
The BOTTOM LINE -- MARRY SOMEONE WHO WANTS THE SAME THING!!!!!

QUESTION 2:
Do I feel safe expressing my feelings and thoughts with this person? This question goes to the core of the quality of your relationship. Feeling safe means you can communicate openly with this person. The basis of having good communication is trust ( i.e., trust that I won't get 'punished' or hurt for expressing my honest thoughts and feelings.)

A colleague of mine defines an abusive person as someone with whom you feel afraid to express your thoughts and feelings. Be honest with yourself on this one. Make sure you feel emotionally safe with the person you plan to marry.

QUESTION 3: Is he/she a mensch? A mensch is someone who is a refined and sensitive person. How can you test? Here are some suggestions: Do they work on personal growth on a regular basis? Are they serious about improving themselves?

A teacher of mine defines a good person as 'someone whois always striving to be good and do the right thing'. So ask about your Significant Other...What do they do with their time? Is this person materialistic? Usually a materialistic person is not some one whose top priority is character refinement.

There are essentially two types of people in the world: (1) People who are dedicated to personal growth and (2) People who are dedicated to seeking comfort. Someone whose goal in life is to be comfortable will put personal comfort ahead of doing the right thing. You need to know that before walking down the aisle.

QUESTION 4:
How does he/she treat other people? The one most important thing that makes any relationship work is the ability to give. By giving, we mean the ability to give another person pleasure.
Ask: Is this someone who enjoys giving pleasure to others or are they wrapped up in themselves and self-absorbed? To measure this, think about the following: How do they treat people whom they do not have to be nice to, such as waiters, bus boys, taxi drivers, etc. How do they treat their parents and siblings? Do they have gratitude and appreciation? If they don't have gratitude for the people who have given them everything; can you do nearly as much for them? You can be sure that someone who treats others poorly, will eventually treat you poorly as well.

QUESTION 5 :
Is there anything I'm hoping to change about this person after we're married? Too many people make the mistake of marrying someone with the intention of trying to 'improve' them after they're married. As a colleague of mine puts it: 'You can probably expect someone to change after marriage for the worse' If you cannot fully accept this person the way they are now, then you are not ready to marry them.

In conclusion, dating doesn't have to be difficult and treacherous. The key is to try leading a little more with your head and less with your heart. It pays to be as objective as possible when you are dating; to be sure to ask questions that will help you get to the key issues.
Falling in love is a great feeling, but when you wake up with a ring on your finger, you don't want to find yourself in trouble because you didn't do your homework.

Another Perspective....There are some people in your life that need to be loved from a distance. It's amazing what you can accomplish when you let go of or at least minimize your time with draining, negative, incompatible, not-going anywhere relationships. Observe the relationships around you.

Pay attention. Which ones lift and which ones lean? Which ones encourage and which ones discourage? Which ones are on a path of growth uphill and which ones are going downhill? When you leave certain people do you feel better or feel worse? Which ones always have drama or don't really understand, know, or appreciate you? The more you seek quality, respect, growth, peace of mind, love and truth around you, the easier it will become for you to decide who gets to sit in the front row and who should be moved to the balcony of your life.
An African proverb states, 'Before you get married, keep both eyes open, and after you marry, close one eye'. Before you get involved and make a commitment to someone, don't let lust, pity, desperation, immaturity, ignorance, pressure from others or a low self-esteem make you blind to warning signs. Keep your eyes open, and don't fool yourself that you can change someone or that what you see as faults aren't really that important. 

Do you bring out the best in each other? Do you compliment and compromise with each other, or do you compete, compare and control? What do you bring to the relationship? Do you bring past relationships, past hurt, past mistrust, past pain? You can't take someone to the altar to alter them.

You can't make someone love you or make someone stay. If you develop self-esteem, spiritual discernment, and 'a life,' you won't find yourself making someone else responsible for your happiness or be responsible for your pain. Seeking status, sex, and security are the wrong reasons to be in a relationship. 

WHAT KEEPS A RELATIONSHIP STRONG ARE:
1. TRUST
2. COMMUNICATION
3. INTIMACY
4. A SENSE OF HUMOR
5. SHARING TASKS
6. SOME GETAWAY TIME WITHOUT BUSINESS OR CHILDREN
7. DAILY EXCHANGES (meal, shared activity, hug, call,touch, notes, etc.)
8. SHARING COMMON GOALS AND INTERESTS
9. GIVING EACH OTHER SPACE TO GROW WITHOUT FEELING INSECURE
10. GIVING EACH OTHER A SENSE OF BELONGING AND ASSURANCES OF COMMITMENT 

If these qualities are missing, the relationship will erode as resentment, withdrawal, abuse, neglect, dishonesty, and pain replace it. Remember:

Happiness keeps You Sweet,
Trials keep You Strong,
Sorrows keep You Human,
Failures keep You Humble,
Success keeps You Glowing,

When the protector becomes the enemy...'

Do you know that there are certain parts in our memory that our conscious mind dismisses, not for lack of importance but rather as a coping mechanism? Funny enough it takes the recurrence of a similar circumstance to jog that memory, to dislodge the cobwebs and to reveal the naked truth, but only when we are in the mindset to deal with it. And they say there is no GOD. Nonsense! Man in no way shape or form can create the complexity that is us...human beings.

I just finished watching the new Tyler Perry movie ..'For coloured girls'. As usual not just a movie, but a poetic and honest look at a particular set of circumstances...snippets in time if you will. Real life circumstances brought to screen. In vivid colour and graphic in nature. Stories that we have all heard about at one time or another either in telling from a friend/relative or as is wont to happen...as neighbourhood gossip. But hearing that the neighbours daughter was raped and seeing it on film is two completely different things. Seeing the damage that is wrought by such an action on the victim and the lasting effects especially when it is perpetuated by the same persons who are supposed to protect you now that is traumatic.

My heart bleeds for all the Yasmine's, Tangie's and Crystal's betrayed by the very men who are supposed to protect us...what do you do when the enemy you are taught to fear turns out to be not a stranger but a friend? This movie brought me back to two instances....long buried until tonight and while not as dramatic as Yasmine traumatizing enough to be buried.

I had been in Toronto for a year at that point, my first visit back home since I had left. It was my old primary school graduation day...a day used to commemorate the rite of passage for teens..from primary school to secondary school. As we say the official send off to 'big school'. A beautiful evening, for me a time to reflect on my years spent where those younger ones are right now. The excitement of the day knowing you had passed common entrance and were moving on and out, the proud parents bursting with pride at their child's achievement. Also a time to rekindle old connections, to say Thanks to the teachers who helped shape my foundations. To give back by being a presenter at the ceremony, a symbol of what can be achieved if we are willing to listen take direction and if we want it bad enough.

He was a teacher, one of my mother's friends, lived close in our area, visited our house on occasion, went to my church, my aunt's best friend. It was after the ceremony, time to go home, at least for me. My mother was helping with the cleaning up but I wanted to go home. I had only landed from Toronto that morning and had just rushed home, changed and headed to the function...jet lag was catching up with me. I conveyed as much to my mom and she suggested that I go with this particular teacher as he was headed that direction and the walk up the hill to my house was long and dark; she did not want me walking alone. He was supposed to be my protector against the bogey man...but he himself became the monster.

It started out innocently enough, we dropped from the bus and started walking up the hill, conversation flowing. We talked about school, moving abroad, the differences from home etc...walking in the semi darkness as the road was only intermittently lighted by street lamps. As we approached the darkest stretch of road, he started moving closer, there were no lights here as the street lamps had blown. It didn't occur to me to feel fear, this man had watched me grow, had taught me both in school and in church...he would never do me any harm. Right? Wrong! It happened in stages...first his tone of voice changed, became softer, lighter so I had to strain to hear or ....yeah you guessed it, move closer. Which I did, then the conversation moved from platonic to personal...from 'so how is school?' to 'so tell me, have you found a man up there yet?'.

This began to trigger that age old signal that the body produces when it senses that something is not quite right; the back of my neck started to tighten and heat. Then, moving closer..'you know you are a really pretty young lady right?' and 'you know I been watching you?', 'I like to see how you have grown'.....by this time my senses are fully on fire and screaming. Then he reached out as if to touch me and I knew it was time to move and quickly too. GOD was with me that night because we were still in that stretch of road that was pitch black and bordered as is common in Grenada by bush...a perfect place to hide, for a man to conceal the filth that coats his mind for the child of a friend. But along came a vehicle. Light, welcome light, bright enough to expose the face of a pervert, to expose the trusted who had become the enemy. That which was chosen to protect has chosen instead to attempt to corrupt.

No one knows what could/would have happened that night if that car hadn't come along but that encounter really threw me. I never told my mom and that is still her friend to this day...I avoid him like the plague. I can't even bring myself to look at him and it went no further than inappropriate conversation, far less to be like Yasmin or Tangie, brutally raped. My mind had buried it until now...

The second encounter was really the first, I was about eight years old. My mom had sent me to the community shop to purchase some groceries. I remember the shop being very dark as it was only partially open due to construction. There were softdrink crates along the wall infront the counter where the rum drinkers would sit to have their drink. When I entered the shop, the shopkeeper was in the back and there were only two men sitting at the counter on the crates. Upon my entrance, one of the men got up so that I could pass freely, the other one didn't. But I knew them both and they me so I was not bothered. I ordered my groceries and waited for the shopkeeper to count it out. When my groceries were ready I went to the counter to pick up, this necessitated me passing the two men again. As before, one got up the other didnt meaning I had to squeeze around him to pass. As I did so the unthinkable happened, he squeezed my ass! I was in shock, no one had dared to do such a thing before. I didn't quite know how to react, so for awhile I pretended it hadn't happened until he tried a repeat on another young girl. This time he was caught red-handed and subsequently disciplined by the community.

Instances like the ones mentioned above and worse abound in our communities today and we as females are particularly vulnerable. We are schooled to believe that the rapist or the molester is supposed to be some stranger we would meet on a deserted road and not the people who have sworn to protect us. As Yasmin said 'we have a new breed of rapists now, the ones we meet at social gatherings and in coffee shops, wearing the white collar and creased pants, the ones that we invite to our homes.'

So what can we as females do? How do we ensure that if this happened to you it does not happen to our children?

GOD alone knows, for if we teach them to be suspicious of everyone we create a breed of women who have trust issues and create a whole other set of problems. The question then is I suppose, which do we prefer, a woman who has trust issues because her parents taught her not to trust or a woman who does not trust because she was betrayed...?

Driven to Drink..HUMA 1300.......exerpts from 'Canada~The Saga'

You know I am just reading the Cecil foster article and I am scared, I want to cry for him and for myself too cause I am beginning to experience what he is talking about. I am an immigrant here, just from the isle of Grenada. I have met so many of my fellow country men and women here, all with a story to tell, a story as long and as cold as only a true Canadian winter can be. Yet they are vehemently opposed to the thought of returning home. And I have often wondered, why don’t they return home? But I have come to realize, they can't or rather won't, pride prevents them from doing so. They are ashamed, they feel they are failures and that the society they will return to will condemn them for being the supposed ‘privileged ones' to have escaped to the Promise land but who have failed to take advantage of the opportunities that it offers aka the proverbal 'Land where milk and honey flows'.

They will be outcasts, ostracized by the same community that lovingly encouraged them to leave and supported them in prayers and memory while they were away. Is it any wonder that they turn to drink and it has to be an ‘island rum’ at that? It is the only thing from ‘home’ that won’t judge them no matter how many times they return to it. They are ashamed twice over, one for squandering the opportunity they were ‘privileged’ to get and second they are disturbing the myth, the myth that north America is the land where milk and honey flows. The natives are furious at being forced to acknowledge that all may not be as it seems.

So what does this mean? For some, it means that you go on, hoping to reap the milk and honey that you were promised, always in the hope that you will make enough money and have enough power to return to the home that you refuse to acknowledge has grown faint in your mind, your memory. Knowing deep down that you have simply fulfilled the myth. And so in the mean time you wake up each day and take a 'shot' to brace you for the disappointments that you are sure to face this and every other day. The drudgery and cold that will surely slap you in the face as you step out the door today and every other day. Essentially, an alien, in-between two spheres with nowhere to call home.

Sometimes, I wish that I had not taken this course and that I was still in my blissful ignorance. It was a safe place to be, a comfortable place. Now my mind has been stimulated, I look at the world with new eyes and challenge things I previously took for granted. All well and good you would say, I guess, but it has repercussions. I feel even more distanced now than ever before from my friends so I enter an even more lonely space as I am now rebelling/opposing and most of my friends who look like me are uncomfortable with occupying that space with me.

They seem to think that I have crossed the line; that education has not made me a better person but has in fact corrupted.